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The Greatest 1980s Movie Quotes

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Whilst 1980s cinema was seemingly dominated by action heroes and comic actors (Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin et al) who generally tended to transform projects by dint of their improvisatory skills, there were enough gifted writers around (Woody Allen, Oliver Stone, Bruce Robinson, John Carpenter, John Hughes, the Coen brothers etc.) to generate memorable, crafted lines too.

And the proliferation of comedies, horror movies and smart teen movies made for good zingers. But what makes a memorable movie quote? We present for your dubious pleasure a selection of 1980s lines and mini soliloquies that seem to hold up; some have become part of modern culture, some always provide a laugh or chill however many times one has seen the films, some are just plain weird and wonderful, and a few were probably improvised.

‘Heineken? F*ck that sh*t! Pabst Blue Ribbon!’ Blue Velvet (1986)

‘Let’s f*ck! I’ll f*ck anything that moves!’ Blue Velvet

‘Why are there people like Frank? Why is there so much trouble in this world?’ Blue Velvet

‘Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.’ The King Of Comedy (1982)

‘I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f*ck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.’ Full Metal Jacket (1987)

‘I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum.’ They Live (1988)

‘Can I get ya anything? Coffee? Tea? Me?’ Working Girl (1988)

‘I have a head for business and a bod for sin.’ Working Girl

‘I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.’ Airplane (1980)

‘What a pisser.’ Airplane (1980)

‘Into the mud, scum queen!’ The Man With Two Brains (1983)

‘You touch me, he dies. If you’re not in the air in thirty seconds, he dies. You come back in, he dies.’ Escape From New York (1981)

‘Beware the moon, lads.’ American Werewolf In London (1981)

‘We’re living in a shop. The world is one magnificent f*cking shop. And if it hasn’t got a price tag, it isn’t worth having.’ How To Get Ahead In Advertising (1989)

‘I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn’t easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House. I dunno. They say he’s a decent man, so maybe his advisors are confused.’ Raising Arizona (1987)

‘Be the ball.’ Caddyshack (1980)

‘I’m a veg, Danny…’ Caddyshack

‘This is a cross of Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night.’ Caddyshack

‘The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue Of Liberty.’ Crimes And Misdemeanours (1989)

‘Showbusiness is not so much dog-eat-dog, it’s more dog doesn’t return dog’s calls.’ Crimes And Misdemeanours

‘For all my education, accomplishments, and so-called wisdom, I can’t fathom my own heart.’ Hannah And Her Sisters (1986)

‘How the hell do I know why they were Nazis? I don’t know how the can-opener works.’ Hannah And Her Sisters

‘If you build it, he will come.’ Field Of Dreams (1989)

‘It’s the best joke of all – a joke on the children…’ Halloween III (1983)

‘Get out…now!’ Halloween II (1981)

‘Listen, lady. If you don’t give Big Ed some air, he’s gonna piss…all over your half of my body.’ All Of Me (1983)

‘You can start by wiping that f*cking dumb-ass smile off your rosy f*cking cheeks. Then you can give me a f*cking automobile. A f*cking Datsun. A f*cking Toyota. A f*cking Mustang. A f*cking Buick! Four f*cking wheels and a seat.’ Planes Trains And Automobiles (1987)

‘I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.’ Withnail & I (1987)

‘My thumbs have gone weird.’ Withnail & I

‘We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!’ Withnail & I (1987)

‘Monty, you terrible c**t!’ Withnail & I

‘Flash, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!’ Flash Gordon (1980)

‘Get ready for greatness.’ Say Anything (1989)

‘She’s a brain trapped in the body of a game-show hostess.’ Say Anything

‘I’m incarcerated, Lloyd!’ Say Anything

‘I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen.’ Say Anything

‘Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.’ Fletch (1985)

‘When you grow up, your heart dies.’ The Breakfast Club (1985)

‘I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need’s a lobotomy and some tights.’ The Breakfast Club

‘You’re a parent’s wet dream – neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie…’ The Breakfast Club

‘May I admire you again later today?’ Pretty In Pink (1986)

‘She thinks you’re sh*t, and deep down you know she’s right.’ Pretty In Pink

‘This is an incredibly romantic moment and you’re ruining it for me.’ Pretty In Pink

‘I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.’ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

‘I’m obsessed, thank you very much.’ St Elmo’s Fire (1985)

‘No Springsteen is leaving this house!’ St Elmo’s Fire

‘How much more black can it be? The answer is…none.’ This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

‘What’s wrong with being sexy?’ This Is Spinal Tap

‘Hope you like our new direction.’ This Is Spinal Tap

‘I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan.’ Fatal Attraction (1987)

‘I love my dead gay son.’ Heathers (1989)

‘Be afraid. Be very afraid.’ The Fly (1986)

‘I’ll have what she’s having.’ When Harry Met Sally (1989)

‘It’s a good scream…’ Blow Out (1981)

‘Where we’re going, we don’t need roads…’ Back To The Future (1985)

‘Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.’ Dead Poets Society (1989)

‘They’re here.’ Poltergeist (1982)

‘Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever! Until you are dead!’ The Terminator (1984)

‘Gentlemen! Let’s broaden our minds. Lawrence?’ Batman (1989)

‘I’m of a mind to make some mookie.’ Batman

‘I…corrected them, sir.’ The Shining (1980)

‘Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in!’ The Shining

‘Why don’t we just… wait here for a little while. See what happens.’ The Thing (1981)

‘There’s no fog bank out there… There’s no fog bank out there… Hey, there’s a fog bank out there.’ The Fog (1980)

‘Get inside and lock your doors. Close your windows. There’s something in the fog!’ The Fog

‘Say goodnight to the bad guy…’ Scarface (1983)

The Cult Movie Club: Lenny Henry Live And Unleashed (1989)

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In her book ‘Hooked’, legendary movie critic Pauline Kael said that the only fresh element in American films of the 1980s may have been what comedians (Robin Williams, Steve Martin, Bill Murray et al) brought to them.

Could we say the same about British films of the 1980s? Looking at ‘Supergrass’, ‘Eat The Rich’, ‘Morons From Outer Space’ and, er, Cannon & Ball’s ‘The Boys In Blue’, it would seem not. A shame, and strange in a way that the ‘Comic Strip’ generation couldn’t quite make the transition to the big screen.

But Lenny Henry – best known as a British TV star in the 1980s – made a damn good fist at the stand-up concert movie with ‘Lenny: Live And Unleashed’, mostly shot at London’s Hackney Empire, taking on the Americans (Eddie Murphy’s ‘Raw’, Richard Pryor’s ‘Live On The Sunset Strip’ etc.) at their own game, complete with a posh credit sequence featuring brilliant impressions of Martin, Murphy and Pryor plus a not-very-funny skit with Robbie Coltrane as the most annoying taxi driver in the world (Why didn’t Lenny fit in another impression there? Couldn’t he have dusted off a De Niro?).

His flashes of surrealism evoke Alexei Sayle and Martin and also it’s clear that by 1989 Lenny had developed into a superb physical actor. He addresses political and racial topics head-on, beginning one skit with the simple statement: ‘We need to see more Black faces on British TV.’

There’s a great celebration of Black music (evidenced also in his appearance on the BBC’s Desert Island Discs just before this was filmed) with homages to Prince and Bobby McFerrin, a good bit on Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’ tour, and the striking ‘Fred Dread’ section featuring Dennis Bovell’s natty dub soundtrack.

Other character favourites Delbert Wilkins, Deakus and the Teddy Pendergrass-lampooning Theophilus P Wildebeeste (you couldn’t do that sketch these days…) get a lot of stage time – superb portraits, with heart and soul. A new character, ageing blues singer Hound Dog Smith, gets a workout too, featuring an amusing guest spot from Jeff Beck (who also turned up in a few Comic Strip films around this time).

The box-office performance of ‘Lenny: Live And Unleashed’ is hard to uncover but does it have enough appeal to a non-British audience? Judge for yourself (and I must check out Henry’s next foray into the movie world, 1991’s ‘True Identity’, at some point…)…

The Cult Movie Club: Great Swearing From The 1980s

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We all know good movie swearing when we hear it.

From Richard E Grant’s gloriously-English ‘Monty, you terrible c*nt!’ (‘Withnail & I’) to Harvey Keitel’s epochal ‘You rat-f*ck!’ (‘Bad Lieutenant’), modern cinema was made for despicable language.

Your mum told you that cursing was a sure sign of a limited vocabulary, but try telling that to writer/directors David Mamet, John Hughes, Bruce Robinson and Oliver Stone, who consistently broke out the memorable humdingers.

To celebrate the cinematic four-letter word, we proudly present some of the best swear scenes of the 1980s, in no particular order. A few rules: no cartoons, because…I hate them. And it has to be dialogue, not a stand-up routine or monologue. And yes, a few of these movies were released in 1990 but surely shot in ’89 (and I need them in the list…).

WARNING: this piece is rated X, not suitable for minors or those easily offended…

7. ‘Casualties Of War’ (1989)
We start with the only ‘serious’ item in the list, a well-placed profanity during one of the more poetic dialogue scenes in this underrated David Rabe-penned, Brian De Palma-directed drama.

6. ‘Planes, Trains And Automobiles’ (1987)
Steve Martin’s ’70s stand-up act wasn’t particularly known for the four-letter tirades, but he had his moments (including the memorable skit on The Steve Martin Brothers album that begins: ‘Well, good evening, motherf*ckers…’). But this endlessly-watchable John Hughes-penned blowout had even Steve’s hardcore fans hiding behind the sofa. The scene is also notable for featuring the brilliant Edie McLurg.

5. ‘Scarface’ (1983)
De Palma’s drama is surely the doyenne of swear movies, so we won’t pick out a single Oliver Stone-penned humdinger but rather itemise the entire film’s swearing thus. Thank you, YouTube (according to an urban myth, the band Blink-182 were named after the amount of f-words Pacino drops in ‘Scarface’).

4. ‘Withnail & I’ (1987)
Impossible to leave out Bruce Robinson’s sweary masterpiece, a killer in almost every line of dialogue. But every profanity in the film earns its keep, none more so than this panic-stricken classic.

3. ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ (1983)
Apparently performed very much under the influence of the notorious Troggs Tapes, this beautifully conjured the annoyances of a duff recording session. I particularly like David St Hubbins’ (Michael McKean) moment of total exasperation, when words begin to fail him. Here’s the full uncut version:

2. ‘The Godfather Part 3’ (1990)
Pacino again, and why not? When Shouty Al gets going, there’s always a good chance he’s going to deliver some quality swearing. In this unsung sequel, he remains fairly buttoned up until basically going ballistic…

1. ‘Goodfellas’ (1990)
Tommy (Joe Pesci) meets ‘old friend’ Billy Batts (Frank Vincent) who is none too complimentary about the days when Tommy used to shine shoes…

BONUS! Let’s extend our look at great swear scenes into the 1990s. Because we can…

4. Bad Lieutenant (1992)
The Bad Lieutenant (Harvey Keitel) is driving his two young sons to school.

Boy 1: Aunt Wendy hogged the bathroom… All morning we couldn’t get in… So how are we supposed to be on time?
The BL: Hey, listen to me. I’m the boss, not Aunt Wendy. When it’s your turn to use the bathroom, tell Aunt Wendy to get the f*ck out. What are you, men or mice? If she’s hogging the bathroom, call me, I’ll throw her the f*ck out…

3. One False Move (1992)
Pluto (Michael Beach) and Ray (Billy Bob Thornton) drive along having a row about the money they’ve stolen, which Ray may have given to his girlfriend…

Pluto: Where’s my f*cking money, Ray?
Ray: I said I ain’t got any money. She took the f*cking money, all right? I’ve got 56 f*cking dollars, she took it, now let me go.
Pluto: You’re a pussy-whipped motherf*cker!
Ray: Don’t throw that sh*t at me, man. They’re your f*cking buddies back there that don’t have any money. That good friend of yours, Billy.
Pluto: I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing with you, man! You’re a pussy-whipped, sorry-assed motherf*cker!

2. Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Blake (Alec Baldwin) turns up at a real estate office and makes his presence felt amongst the salesmen…

1. Fargo (1996)
Carl (Steve Buscemi) wants to leave a car park but the Attendant (Don William Skahill) isn’t making it easy…

 

Steve Martin in…Homage To Steve!

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My Steve Martin ‘thing’ probably peaked around 1989.

I had just found his ‘Live!’ video (bought on the same day as The Blue Nile’s Hats, if memory serves) and already loved his Wild And Crazy Guy LP, ‘borrowed’ from a family friend.

‘Live!’ was taken from a September 1978 gig at the Universal Amphitheatre, Los Angeles (supported on the night by The Blues Brothers), when Steve was about as big as a comedian can get.

He was even on the cover of People magazine (or ‘Screw Up Your Life’ magazine, as he called it).

Back then, if there’d been anything like the marketing machine of today, he could have retired on the sales of Steve Martin bunny ears, Lucky Astrology Mood Watches or arrows-through-the-head alone.

So how did he do it? Or should that be why? As the cliché goes, maybe America was ready for stupid jokes after Vietnam and Watergate. Someone once said that Steve brought surrealism to the masses.

It’s probably not an exaggeration to say that movies like ‘Airplane’ wouldn’t have happened without him. But he had a philosophical, post-modern approach too, often starting out with the punchline and then working backwards – or never supplying one at all.

And he was a pretty damn decent magician, musician and juggler too.

And of course he was basically ‘in character’ on stage, an uptight, arrogant white guy in a white suit (remind you of anyone? Stop Making Sense indeed, though apparently the suit idea came from one-time roommate Martin Mull…).

During the ‘with-it’, drug-fuelled 1970s, Steve was desperately trying (and failing) to ‘get down’, to be hip, cool and one step ahead of the audience. But the character generally failed, becoming grouchy and out of his depth, hence the famous ‘Excuuuuuuse…meeeeee!’ catchphrase.

Steve was also a Philosophy Major (I can’t say for sure if it influenced my choice to study the subject at university, but with hindsight maybe it did…) and his reminiscences of ‘the intellectual thing’ used to make me laugh a lot: ‘I studied the ethical questions. Is it OK to yell “Movie!” in a crowded fire house? The religious questions. Does the pope sh*t in the woods?’

Then there were the albums – his friend and movie producer Bill McEuen had been recording gigs since the mid-’70s. By ’76, Warner Bros were sniffing around.

Again, it’s easy to forget how far ahead of his time Martin was – stand-up comedy albums were extremely rare at the time, and he didn’t just enjoy some success but smashed it out of the park: Let’s Get Small, A Wild & Crazy Guy and Comedy Is Not Pretty all went either gold or platinum (and were almost impossible to find in the UK until fairly recently – I had to buy them at the much-lamented J&R Music World during a trip to New York in the mid-1990s).

By 1981’s The Steve Martin Brothers album, the game was up – it was his worst and lowest-selling record.

Steve got out of stand-up and into movies. Again, he was way ahead of the curve and extremely influential – you could make a good case for the ’80s scene being wholly driven by comedian-turned-actors: Billy Crystal, Rob Reiner, John Candy, Eddie Murphy, Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg, Barry Levinson, Chevy Chase, Dan Aykroyd etc etc.

Since then, Steve has ploughed his own path, writing books, playing the banjo, getting into ‘serious’ acting with some aplomb (‘Grand Canyon’, ‘The Spanish Prisoner’). Some people will never forgive him. Dennis Pennis spoke for many when he zapped Steve with this cruel zinger in the late 1990s:

But hey, that’s my homage to Steve. And if there weren’t enough jokes for you… Excuuuuuse…meeee!

Ladies And Gentlemen, It’s Max…Headroom!

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388px-Mhcom_max_headroom_guidetolife_frontYep, it’s M-M-M-M-Max, scourge of celebrities everywhere and purveyor of surreal one-liners, bizarre stream-of-consciousness meanderings and often-quite-obscure music videos.

Max was created in 1985 by Annabel Jankel (sister of Ian Dury-collaborator Chaz), Rocky Morton and George Stone as rather eccentric, attention-grabbing ‘talking head’ to present videos on the burgeoning Channel Four.

Brilliantly played by Matt Frewer, who apparently had to endure over four hours in the make-up chair before each day of filming, Max was born in a one-off drama shown on Channel Four in 1985.

He then returned to front two series of ‘The Max Headroom Show’ in 1985 and 1986. The show then moved to the US for two series shown in ’87 and ’88.

People probably either loved or hated Max but I was an immediate fan. I even bought the book. Large swathes of his monologues are indelibly etched on my memory. Even today, I can’t hear the words ‘Sebastian Coe’ without thinking of Max’s unique delivery.

I also discovered some good music and vids on his shows too, including Peter Gabriel’s live version of ‘I Don’t Remember’, The Redskins’ ‘Bring It Down’, Donald Fagen’s amazing ‘New Frontier’ vid (directed by Jankel and Morton) and Sid Vicious’s terrifying ‘My Way’ (how did that get onto pre-watershed TV?).

Most of the press attention was aimed at the state-of-the-art computer graphics, the incredible make-up job and bizarre speech patterns. But, apart from the music vids, what immediately hooked me was his smarmy, gleeful piss-taking. He was kind of a mixture of Fletch and Johnny Rotten. There was also a touch of Dan Aykroyd/Chevy Chase’s smarmy Weekend Update newsreaders on ‘Saturday Night Live’.

Though the show had three regular writers – David Hanson, Tim John and Paul Owen – Frewer apparently improvised a large part of Max’s ramblings. I always assumed Max’s ‘cool guy’ persona was coming from Steve Martin but Frewer claims that he based Max’s shtick on Ted Knight’s hilariously hammy portrayal of Ted Baxter in ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show’.

Possibly the sections of the show which have the most relevance now are Max’s interviews with stars like Sting (see below), Boy George and David Byrne. Years before Dennis Pennis, he was hilariously detached, if not downright dismissive of their celebrity status. I loved the way he ridiculed Sting’s new ‘jazz’ direction.

Later on, the tables were turned as Max found himself being interviewed on primetime chat shows by David Letterman and Terry Wogan. He calls Letterman ‘Davey-doo’ throughout and seems to be slowly driving him to distraction.

I had a few episodes on video for many years but chucked them out a while ago – a big mistake, as there’s still no sign of a UK DVD. Long live Max!