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The Greatest 1980s Movie Quotes

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Whilst 1980s cinema was seemingly dominated by action heroes and comic actors (Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Eddie Murphy, Steve Martin et al) who generally tended to transform projects by dint of their improvisatory skills, there were enough gifted writers around (Woody Allen, Oliver Stone, Bruce Robinson, John Carpenter, John Hughes, the Coen brothers etc.) to generate memorable, crafted lines too.

And the proliferation of comedies, horror movies and smart teen movies made for good zingers. But what makes a memorable movie quote? We present for your dubious pleasure a selection of 1980s lines and mini soliloquies that seem to hold up; some have become part of modern culture, some always provide a laugh or chill however many times one has seen the films, some are just plain weird and wonderful, and a few were probably improvised.

‘Heineken? F*ck that sh*t! Pabst Blue Ribbon!’ Blue Velvet (1986)

‘Let’s f*ck! I’ll f*ck anything that moves!’ Blue Velvet

‘Why are there people like Frank? Why is there so much trouble in this world?’ Blue Velvet

‘Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime.’ The King Of Comedy (1982)

‘I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f*ck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.’ Full Metal Jacket (1987)

‘I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I’m all out of bubblegum.’ They Live (1988)

‘Can I get ya anything? Coffee? Tea? Me?’ Working Girl (1988)

‘I have a head for business and a bod for sin.’ Working Girl

‘I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.’ Airplane (1980)

‘What a pisser.’ Airplane (1980)

‘Into the mud, scum queen!’ The Man With Two Brains (1983)

‘You touch me, he dies. If you’re not in the air in thirty seconds, he dies. You come back in, he dies.’ Escape From New York (1981)

‘Beware the moon, lads.’ American Werewolf In London (1981)

‘We’re living in a shop. The world is one magnificent f*cking shop. And if it hasn’t got a price tag, it isn’t worth having.’ How To Get Ahead In Advertising (1989)

‘I tried to stand up and fly straight, but it wasn’t easy with that sumbitch Reagan in the White House. I dunno. They say he’s a decent man, so maybe his advisors are confused.’ Raising Arizona (1987)

‘Be the ball.’ Caddyshack (1980)

‘I’m a veg, Danny…’ Caddyshack

‘This is a cross of Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent and Northern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night.’ Caddyshack

‘The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue Of Liberty.’ Crimes And Misdemeanours (1989)

‘Showbusiness is not so much dog-eat-dog, it’s more dog doesn’t return dog’s calls.’ Crimes And Misdemeanours

‘For all my education, accomplishments, and so-called wisdom, I can’t fathom my own heart.’ Hannah And Her Sisters (1986)

‘How the hell do I know why they were Nazis? I don’t know how the can-opener works.’ Hannah And Her Sisters

‘If you build it, he will come.’ Field Of Dreams (1989)

‘It’s the best joke of all – a joke on the children…’ Halloween III (1983)

‘Get out…now!’ Halloween II (1981)

‘Listen, lady. If you don’t give Big Ed some air, he’s gonna piss…all over your half of my body.’ All Of Me (1983)

‘You can start by wiping that f*cking dumb-ass smile off your rosy f*cking cheeks. Then you can give me a f*cking automobile. A f*cking Datsun. A f*cking Toyota. A f*cking Mustang. A f*cking Buick! Four f*cking wheels and a seat.’ Planes Trains And Automobiles (1987)

‘I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.’ Withnail & I (1987)

‘My thumbs have gone weird.’ Withnail & I

‘We want the finest wines available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now!’ Withnail & I (1987)

‘Monty, you terrible c**t!’ Withnail & I

‘Flash, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!’ Flash Gordon (1980)

‘Get ready for greatness.’ Say Anything (1989)

‘She’s a brain trapped in the body of a game-show hostess.’ Say Anything

‘I’m incarcerated, Lloyd!’ Say Anything

‘I gave her my heart. She gave me a pen.’ Say Anything

‘Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.’ Fletch (1985)

‘When you grow up, your heart dies.’ The Breakfast Club (1985)

‘I wanna be just like you. I figure all I need’s a lobotomy and some tights.’ The Breakfast Club

‘You’re a parent’s wet dream – neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie…’ The Breakfast Club

‘May I admire you again later today?’ Pretty In Pink (1986)

‘She thinks you’re sh*t, and deep down you know she’s right.’ Pretty In Pink

‘This is an incredibly romantic moment and you’re ruining it for me.’ Pretty In Pink

‘I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.’ Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

‘I’m obsessed, thank you very much.’ St Elmo’s Fire (1985)

‘No Springsteen is leaving this house!’ St Elmo’s Fire

‘How much more black can it be? The answer is…none.’ This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

‘What’s wrong with being sexy?’ This Is Spinal Tap

‘Hope you like our new direction.’ This Is Spinal Tap

‘I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan.’ Fatal Attraction (1987)

‘I love my dead gay son.’ Heathers (1989)

‘Be afraid. Be very afraid.’ The Fly (1986)

‘I’ll have what she’s having.’ When Harry Met Sally (1989)

‘It’s a good scream…’ Blow Out (1981)

‘Where we’re going, we don’t need roads…’ Back To The Future (1985)

‘Seize the day. Make your lives extraordinary.’ Dead Poets Society (1989)

‘They’re here.’ Poltergeist (1982)

‘Listen, and understand! That Terminator is out there! It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop… ever! Until you are dead!’ The Terminator (1984)

‘Gentlemen! Let’s broaden our minds. Lawrence?’ Batman (1989)

‘I’m of a mind to make some mookie.’ Batman

‘I…corrected them, sir.’ The Shining (1980)

‘Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me come in!’ The Shining

‘Why don’t we just… wait here for a little while. See what happens.’ The Thing (1981)

‘There’s no fog bank out there… There’s no fog bank out there… Hey, there’s a fog bank out there.’ The Fog (1980)

‘Get inside and lock your doors. Close your windows. There’s something in the fog!’ The Fog

‘Say goodnight to the bad guy…’ Scarface (1983)

The Crap Movie Club: One-Trick Pony (1980)

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paul simonBy his own admission, Paul Simon had some very lean years between his 1975 classic Still Crazy After All These Years and 1986’s multi-million selling, multi-Grammy-winning Graceland.

His 1983 album Hearts And Bones was a major flop despite featuring some fine songs and great musicianship.

But the real nadir was ‘One-Trick Pony’. I stumbled across it very late at night on British TV in the late ’90s and was instantly gripped. It’s that special kind of crap movie – the ‘rock star’ vanity project with a gallon of overreaching ambition.

To say it hasn’t aged well would be a huge understatement, though, as with most genuinely bad films, it features a myriad of guilty pleasures too…

In 1980, Simon clearly wanted to celebrate his new Warner Bros record contract with a bang (he’d just jumped ship from CBS) but who persuaded him that a self-written, autobiographical movie was the answer? His screen persona was hitherto based pretty much on one (admittedly superb) cameo in Woody Allen’s ‘Annie Hall’.

But in ‘One-Trick Pony’ he tried to carry an entire movie with just two default settings: he’s either bopping around the stage, sweaty and somewhat bug-eyed, trying desperately to ‘rock’ (in Joe Queenan’s memorably cruel words, Simon is ‘too short to rock’n’roll, too young to die’), or he’s sulky and morose, peering doe-eyed into the middle distance, desperately trying to be adorable.

Simon plays Jonah Levin, a once-popular folk-rock artist who has fallen on hard times (see what he did there?) and now reduced to hawking his band (Steve Gadd, Tony Levin, Richard Tee and Eric Gale) around the Midwest, supporting bands like the B-52’s (who are held up as an example of the ‘hideous’ way the recording industry is going, but whose schtick is so much more vital and life-affirming than Simon’s supposedly ‘raw’ music…).

Jonah’s relationship with his estranged wife – Blair Brown in a completely thankless role – is terminally dull, with undramatic longueurs and clunking one-liners. There’s also some excruciating stuff with Jonah’s ‘cute’ son. You know the kind of thing – lots of ‘whatever happens, Daddy loves you, OK?’, cloying shenanigans with baseball mitts and copying Daddy shaving at the mirror.

From a muso perspective, you might well ask how a movie so heavily featuring superstar players such as Gadd, Gale, Tee and Levin can be outright crap. Well, the novelty effect lasts a few minutes but after that you can only feel for these gents – they’re given pretty thankless roles, playing a fairly tasteless ‘dead pop stars’ quiz in the car, reading out gig reviews and endlessly checking into dodgy hotels. Poor Richard Tee and Eric Gale look the most uncomfortable.

Jonah’s dealings with the record-biz ‘suits’ in ‘One-Trick Pony’ are presumably based on Simon’s disagreements with his previous employers CBS Records, and they produce the only enjoyable sections of the film.

Rip Torn is reliably gruff though resolutely uncomical in his impersonation of legendary CBS hatchet man Walter Yetnikoff, but Lou Reed clearly relishes his cameo as a jobsworth producer; he’s desperate to add strings, horns and backing vocals to Jonah’s stripped-down tracks. Cue a lingering close-up of David Sanborn letting rip on alto, though we’re never sure if this is meant to be a Bad Thing or even a joke – to this viewer, it seemed like the first bit of decent music in the movie.

Oh yeah, the music. The soundtrack of course did a hell of a lot better than the movie – great single ‘Late In The Evening’ featured a Steve Gadd groove almost as influential as ’50 Ways To Leave Your Lover’ and even made the top 10 in the States.

To be fair to Simon, he had sorted out his screen persona by the time of the ‘You Can Call Me Al’ video in 1986, settling on a kind of faux-naif ‘everyman’ figure with some aplomb. He was also pretty funny in Steve Martin’s ‘Homage To Steve’ short from the same year. But let’s just rejoice that he hasn’t returned to the world of feature films since…