Crap Lyrics Of The 1980s (Part Two)

I thought I had unearthed all of the decade’s stinkers in movingtheriver.com’s extensive first round-up.

But it turns out that we were just scratching the surface. And I feel pretty confident that there will be many more to highlight as the weeks, months and years roll by.

So here we go again with some more logic-defying, ill-conceived, harebrained – and sometimes just plain weird – song lyrics of the 1980s. China Crisis obsessives: look away now…

Most of my friends were strangers when I met them
BROS: ‘I Quit’

I watch you crumble/Like a very old wall
BROS: ‘I Owe You Nothing’

Why do you do that poor man thing/Why do you do that poor man/All of my life it’s as sharp as the bigger the punch I’m feeling’
CHINA CRISIS: ‘Bigger The Punch I’m Feeling’

‘Work in my world/Put up for sale/You buy you me/I buy me you’
CHINA CRISIS: ‘The Highest High’

This wreckage I call me/Would like to frame your voice’
GARY NUMAN: ‘This Wreckage’

I was walking in the park/Dreaming of a spark’
MARILLION: ‘Lavender’

We made our love on wasteland/And through the barricades’
SPANDAU BALLET: ‘Through The Barricades’

All we want is our lives to be free/If we can’t be free then we don’t want to be we’
CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT: ‘Free’

‘If I was you/If I was you/I wouldn’t treat me the way you do’
EIGHTH WONDER: ‘I’m Not Scared’

Words don’t come easy to me/How can I find a way/To make you see I love you?’
FR DAVID: ‘Words’

(How about saying the words ‘I love you’? Ed.)

‘I’m young and free and single/I just want to mingle with you, lady’
SUNFIRE: ‘Young Free And Single’

Can’t complain/Mustn’t grumble/Help yourself to another piece of apple crumble’
ABC: ‘That Was Then But This Is Now’

Hello, hello, hope you’re feeling fine/Hello, hello, hope you’re feeling mine/Hello, hello, hope you’re feeling time’
NICK HEYWARD: ‘Whistle Down The Wind’

A motivated, liquidated nightmare/Like a baby with a laser on a rocking chair’
IT BITES: ‘Black December’

Here is my heart/Waiting for you/Here is my soul/I eat at chez nous
YES: ‘Love Will Find A Way’

We’re talking away/I don’t know what to say/I’ll say it anyway/Today is another day to find you’
a-ha: ‘Take On Me’

Six Great ’80s YouTube ‘Shreds’

SWING IN DEAUVILLE 1992

Chick Corea – look away now…

YouTube ‘shreds’ didn’t take off on social media the way trolling and cat videos did.

They are possibly a little bit ‘niche’. But what I really like about these musical parodies is that they take on a quality all of their own, producing a surreal, appealingly-amateurish mash-up of cheap synths, terrible guitar sounds and fake drums.

There is some intelligence behind them too – it’s not easy to sound this bad. You need talent. They also bring home just how great these players are. But hey – some possibly need taking down a peg or two…

6. a-ha play ‘Take On Me’

I like the badly-played synth motifs, Morten’s little off-mic asides and the unexpectedly-early chorus. And also the drummer’s Herculean efforts juxtaposed with the tinny, inconsequential sounds he is producing.

5. The Chick Corea Elektric Band play…something

This band were always one of the more unsavoury fusion units of the late-’80s. Their freakily-flawless musicianship, cheesy synth sounds and ‘zany’ stage performances are ripe for a bit of a rave-up.

4. USA For Africa play ‘We Are The World’

This one gets in for sheer oddness. It sounds like it’s been overdubbed by people whose first language is not English. Chinese? French? Kenny Rogers, Tina Turner and Billy Joel always get me.

3. Miles Davis plays ‘Tutu’

Sorry Miles, but I like the way this classic piece is re-imagined as a kind of remedial reggae/world music/’50s rock jam. I like the intensity of percussionist Don Alias’s performance. That little ‘tinging’ ride cymbal gets me every time.

2. Dire Straits play ‘Money For Nothing’

This is ‘Money For Nothing’ played by a bunch of teenagers who have just been given a few cheap synths, a crap bass and a few rubbish guitars for Christmas. I particularly dig John Illsley’s backing vocals.

1. Chick Corea duets with Herbie Hancock

Yes, why not some more Chick? There’s something about his smug performance style that lends itself to these clips. And of course the fact that he has made so much tasteless music for someone so near to genius…