Is there some sort of secret visual formula for successful albums, a design format that almost forces people to part with their moolah, encouraging buyers of all generations, all social demographics?
Can a terrible album have brilliant artwork? Can a brilliant album have terrible artwork (how about the Love And Money entry below? Ed…)?
So many questions, so little time. Someone somewhere must have researched which colours and designs have proved the most successful in terms of sales. But hell, it’s hard to believe that any of the below would have been cooked up in any kind of corporate brainstorming or focus-group session.
Here’s a motley selection of the 1980s’ most ill-advised album covers, in no particular order. Some are crushingly sexist, some boring, some ugly, some shocking, some just plain weird. And OK, a few are so bad they’re almost good…
18. Wishbone Ash: Raw To The Bone (1985)
17. Ratt: Out Of The Cellar (1984)
16. Poison: Open Up And Say…Ahh! (1984)
15. Eurythmics: Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (1983)
14. Paul McCartney: McCartney II (1980)
13. Millie Jackson: Back To The S**t! (1985)
12. The Go-Betweens: 16 Lovers Lane (1988)
11. Ted Nugent: Scream Dream (1980)
10. Everything But The Girl: Eden (1984)
9. Loverboy: Get Lucky (1981)
8. OMD: Architecture & Morality (1981)
7. Snatch: If The Party’s In Your Mouth, We’re Comin’ (1985)
6. Jeff Beck: There And Back (1980)
5. Scorpions: Animal Magnetism (1980)
4. David Hasselhoff: Night Rocker (1985)
3. Love And Money: Strange Kind Of Love (1988)
2. The The: Infected (1985)
1. Dexys Midnight Runners: Don’t Stand Me Down (1985)
Can’t see your worst album cover of the ’80s? If so, pile in below…
The critical consensus: 1986 was the worst music year of the decade, perhaps of any decade. But is that true?
There was certainly a vacuum between the end of New Pop/New Romanticism and the Rock Revival of ’87, exploited by one-hit-wonder merchants, TV soap actors, Europop poseurs, musical-theatre prima donnas, jazz puritans and Stock Aitken & Waterman puppets.
Also most pop records just didn’t sound good. The drums were too loud, the synths were garish, ‘slickness’ was the order of the day.
Perhaps nothing emphasised these factors as much as The Police’s disastrous comeback version of ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’.
But listen a little harder and 1986 seems like a watershed year for soul, house, go-go, art-metal, John Peel-endorsed indie and hip-hop. Synth-pop duos were back on the map, the NME C86 compilation was a lo-fi classic and there were a handful of groundbreaking jazz/rock albums too.
So here’s a case for the opposition: a selection of classic singles and albums from 1986. Not a bad old year after all.
Paul Simon: Graceland
Stump: Quirk Out
David Bowie: ‘Absolute Beginners’
Mantronix: Music Madness
PiL: Album
Rosie Vela: ‘Magic Smile’
George Michael: ‘A Different Corner’
Eurythmics: ‘Thorn In My Side’
Al Jarreau: L Is For Lover
XTC: Skylarking
Duran Duran: ‘Skin Trade’
George Benson: ‘Shiver’
Erasure: ‘Sometimes’
Cameo: ‘Candy’
Chris Rea: On The Beach
Europe: ‘The Final Countdown’
David Sylvian: Gone To Earth
OMD: ‘Forever Live And Die’
The Real Roxanne: ‘Bang Zoom’
The The: Infected
Half Man Half Biscuit: ‘Dickie Davies Eyes’
Anita Baker: Rapture
Michael McDonald: ‘Sweet Freedom’
Prince: Parade
Talk Talk: The Colour Of Spring
Luther Vandross: Give Me The Reason
Pet Shop Boys: ‘Suburbia’
Chaka Khan: ‘Love Of A Lifetime’
Gabriel Yared: Betty Blue Original Soundtrack
The Pretenders: ‘Don’t Get Me Wrong’
Janet Jackson: Control
Run DMC: Raising Hell
Beastie Boys: Licensed To Ill
Miles Davis: Tutu
Iggy Pop: Blah Blah Blah
Courtney Pine: Journey To The Urge Within
George Clinton: ‘Do Fries Go With That Shake’
Talking Heads: ‘Wild Wild Life’
Kurtis Blow/Trouble Funk: ‘I’m Chillin”
The Source ft. Candi Staton: ‘You Got The Love’
Gwen Guthrie: ‘Ain’t Nothing Going On But The Rent’
Even the most ’80s-phobic pop fan would have to concede that it was a great decade for singles.
The first 7″ I asked for was either Nick Lowe’s ‘I Love The Sound Of Breaking Glass’, Elvis Costello’s ‘Less Than Zero’ or 10CC’s ‘Dreadlock Holiday’, all from the late ’70s, but the first single I distinctly remember buying was Scritti Politti’s ‘The Word Girl’.
But many others have stayed in the head and heart. Here are a bunch of them in no particular order (apart from the #1), but I’m barely scratching the surface.
The rules: one artist per slot, and a simple ‘quality’ criterion applies: when any of these songs comes on the radio or onto a playlist, they demand to be listened to. They stand alone, retaining a magic ‘buzz’, wow-factor, presence, mood (and, pop pickers, there’s nothing from 1986…). Nothing grates, and nothing – or at least not much – could be improved upon…
85. Joan Jett & The Blackhearts: ‘I Love Rock’n’Roll’
84: UB40: ‘Food For Thought’ (1980)
83. Special AKA: ‘Free Nelson Mandela’ (1984)
82. Kid Creole And The Coconuts: ‘Annie I’m Not Your Daddy’ (1982)
81: The Clash: ‘Rock The Casbah’ (1982)
80. The Commodores: Night Shift (1985)
79. Janet Jackson: What Have You Done For Me Lately? (1986)
78. Lionel Richie: All Night Long (1983)
77. Cliff Richard: Carrie (1980)
76. James Brown: Living In America (1985)
75. Tom Tom Club: Wordy Rappinghood (1981)
74. Rolling Stones: ‘Undercover Of The Night’ (1983)
73. David Bowie: ‘Ashes To Ashes’ (1980)
72. Dire Straits: ‘Private Investigations’ (1982)
71. Afrika Bambaataa & The SoulSonic Force: ‘Planet Rock’ (1982)
70. Belinda Carlisle: ‘I Get Weak’ (1988)
Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ kept it off the US number one spot in early ’88. Almost-perfect pop/rock from the pen of Dianne Warren.
69. The Jam: ‘Town Called Malice’ (1982)
68. Michael Jackson: ‘Billie Jean’ (1982)
Always the loudest song on any playlist.
67. Robert Wyatt: ‘Shipbuilding’ (1982)
66. The Flying Lizards: ‘Sex Machine’ (1984)
65. Joy Division: ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’ (1980)
64. Carly Simon: ‘Why’ (1982)
63. Bros: ‘I Owe You Nothing’ (1988)
62. Dollar: ‘Videotheque’ (1982)
61. Yazoo: ‘Don’t Go’ (1982)
Difficult now to disassociate it from Alan Partridge’s early morning show, but still a brilliant slice of Basildon techno-funk.
60. Bronski Beat: ‘Smalltown Boy’ (1984)
Touching meditation on the travails of youth. Even an appallingly-played synth in the intro cannot wither it.
59. Phil Collins: ‘In The Air Tonight’ (1981)
The first showing for that ’80s staple, the Roland CR-78 rhythm box, on a single that legendary Atlantic boss Ahmet Ertegun adored…
58. Fine Young Cannibals: ‘Johnny Come Home’ (1985)
57. Robert Palmer: ‘Addicted To Love’ (1985)
No apologies for including this US number one. Imagine waking up with this buzzing around your head. Palmer apparently bumped into Chaka Khan on a New York street during the vocal sessions and asked her to harmonize the lead line – a great pairing (but was she removed from some versions? Doesn’t really sound like her… Ed.).
56. Alexander O’Neal ft. Cherelle: ‘Never Knew Love Like This’ (1987)
Producers/songwriters Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis did a damn good job of creating a Marvin/Tammi or Marvin/Diana for the ’80s. Gorgeous harmonies and vocals.
55. Salt-N-Pepa: ‘Push It’ (1988)
The ‘Smoke On The Water’ of ’80s rap. But, according to the ladies, it’s not about sex – it’s about ‘pushing it’ on the dancefloor.
54. Talking Heads: ‘Once In A Lifetime’ (1981)
53. Don Henley: ‘Boys Of Summer’ (1984)
52. Yes: ‘Owner Of A Lonely Heart’ (1983)
51. Billy Joel: ‘Uptown Girl’ (1983)
Billy’s tribute to The Four Seasons works a treat, with a slammin’ rhythm section and melodic curveballs to make even Macca jealous.
50. Musical Youth: ‘Pass The Dutchie’ (1982)
The joyful sound of late summer 1982 and the first song by a black artist to be played on MTV.
49. Junior: ‘Mama Used To Say’ (1982)
48. Genesis: ‘Mama’ (1982)
The first ‘event’ single in their career. Epic/menacing.
47. Donna Summer: ‘Love Is In Control (Finger On The Trigger)’ (1982)
Quincy assembles his dream team (Ndugu, Swedien, Hey, Temperton, Phillinganes) to produce an underrated cracker.
46. The Police: ‘Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic’ (1981)
Sting wrote the band’s fourth UK number one in 1976. Apparently Summers and Copeland hated Jean Roussel’s keyboard playing on this – but they were wrong.
45. Japan: ‘I Second That Emotion’ (1981)
Most original cover version of the ’80s?
44. Bananarama: ‘Robert De Niro’s Waiting’ (1983)
Apparently about sexual abuse…
43. The Bangles: ‘Eternal Flame’ (1989)
42. Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five: ‘The Message’ (1982)
41. Blondie: ‘Atomic’ (1980)
Minor/major splendour. Debbie’s voice always sends a shiver down the spine and there’s that Roland CR-78 again.
40. The Specials: ‘Ghost Town’ (1981)
39. Frankie Goes To Hollywood: ‘Two Tribes’ (1984)
No expense was spared for the all-important follow-up to ‘Relax’ – according to arranger Anne Dudley, a 60-piece orchestra featured on the intro.
38. Ultravox: ‘Vienna’ (1981)
Kept off the UK top spot by Joe Dolce’s Music Theatre’s brilliant ‘Shaddap You Face’ (which nearly made this list…).
37. OMD: ‘Souvenir’ (1981)
More like a dream than a pop song.
36. Adam And The Ants: ‘Ant Rap’ (1981)
35. Bucks Fizz: ‘Land Of Make Believe’ (1982)
34. Madonna: ‘Crazy For You’ (1985)
Featuring Rob Mounsey’s sumptuous arrangement and a winning vocal from La Ciccone.
33. The Associates: ‘Party Fears Two’ (1982)
32. Thompson Twins: ‘Hold Me Now’ (1984)
31. Young MC: ‘Know How’ (1989)
By way of tribute to Cooking Vinyl founder Matt Dike who died recently.
30. S’Express: ‘Theme From S’Express’ (1988)
29. Nik Kershaw: Wouldn’t It Be Good (1984)
28. The Passions: ‘I’m In Love With A German Film Star’ (1981)
A quintessential ’80s one-hit wonder, still beguiling after all these years, with a classic guitar performance from Clive Temperley.
27. Wham!: ‘Freedom’ (1984)
26. ZZ Top: ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ (1983)
25. George Michael: ‘Careless Whisper’ (1984)
24. Art Of Noise: ‘Close (To The Edit)’ (1984)
Allegedly built on an unused Alan White drum track recorded during Yes’s 90125 sessions.
23. Blancmange: ‘Living On The Ceiling’ (1982)
22. Paul Hardcastle: ’19’ (1985)
21. Soft Cell: ‘Tainted Love’ (1981)
20. Rick Astley: ‘Whenever You Need Somebody’ (1987)
Wacky song construction; try playing along on guitar. So many key changes. Arguably Stock/Aitken/Waterman’s best and vastly superior to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’.
19. Hall And Oates: ‘I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)’ (1982)
18. Freeez: ‘Southern Freeez’ (1981)
17. Kim Carnes: ‘Bette Davis Eyes’ (1981)
A classic lyric, and musically rich too.
16. MARRS: ‘Pump Up The Volume’ (1989)
15. Eric B & Rakim: ‘I Know You Got Soul’ (1988)
14. Human League: ‘Don’t You Want Me’ (1982)
13. Christopher Cross: ‘Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)’ (1981)
Hard to resist the gorgeous Bacharach-penned melody and superb drum performance from Jeff Porcaro.
12. Will Powers: ‘Kissing With Confidence’ (1983)
11. The Jones Girls: ‘Nights Over Egypt’ (1981)
10. Roxy Music: ‘Same Old Scene’ (1980)
9. ABC: ‘Poison Arrow’ (1982)
8. Joe Jackson: ‘Stepping Out’ (1982)
7. Neneh Cherry: ‘Buffalo Stance’ (1989)
You may mock…but slap on this Tim Simenon-produced corker and watch the dancefloor fill up…
6. Prince: ‘Sign ‘O’ The Times’ (1987)
5. Simple Minds: ‘Belfast Child’ (1989)
Steve Lipson and Trevor Horn cooked up this epic UK No.1, adapted from the traditional Irish song ‘She Moved Through The Fair’. Here’s an interesting live version I’d never seen before.
4. Van Halen: ‘Jump’ (1984)
3. Madness: ‘Baggy Trousers’ (1980)
It is London school life in 1980 – simple as.
2. Scritti Politti: ‘Absolute’ (1985) And – drum roll – the single I would save if my flat was on fire…
1. Grace Jones: ‘Slave To The Rhythm’ (1985)
Check out the full list, with some other classics, on Spotify:
Ex-Propaganda/Act vocalist (and, dare we say, ’80s icon?) Claudia Brucken has enjoyed a real career renaissance in the last decade.
Her recent studio albums have featured collaborations with members of Heaven 17, Depeche Mode, Erasure and OMD, and new release Where Else is a very strong record of torch songs which foregrounds fine melodies and an unexpected ’60s pop influence.
The Bush Hall was the perfect venue for this classy, deceptively low-key return to the London stage. With a minimalist red-curtain backdrop and versatile two-man backing band, Claudia began the gig seated but moved through the gears with consummate ease.
Her vocals sounded rich and rounded, a big improvement on the last London gigs in 2013, and it was also great that she kept audience banter to an absolute minimum, a lesson to some younger artists who seem desperate to pass the time of day with audiences given half a chance.
Where Else was played pretty much in sequence as is the current way, and what’s clear is that the new songs are stark and slight but very catchy, with attractive, slow-burning melodies.
To go along with the string synths, piano and digital beats, there was generally an unmistakable Zombies/Colin Bluntstone influence on the new material too, with some distinctly Doors-style keyboards thrown in for good measure.
The resplendent, still striking ‘Duel’ (which my companion very adroitly pegged as the sound a-Ha had vainly aimed for throughout their career) and ‘P-Machinery’ were saved for the rapturously-received encores, and a rousing cover of Bowie’s ‘Everyone Says Hi’ was perfectly judged.
The gig was crying out for a real drummer though (paging Neil Conti…) to add more of the human element, but budgets are budgets.
If all her stars are aligned, Brucken might yet enjoy an Everything-But-The-Girl-style sleeper hit. What seems unlikely is any kind of Secret Wish 30th anniversary tour; she seems very happy and musically fulfilled where she is right now.
Is there some sort of secret visual formula for successful albums, a design format that almost forces people to part with their moolah, encouraging buyers of all generations, all social demographics? 
The critical consensus: 1986 was the worst music year of the decade, perhaps of any decade. But is that true? 
Even the most ’80s-phobic pop fan would have to concede that it was a great decade for singles. 
movingtheriver.com 